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Damson - What we're watching... #6

Damson - What we're watching... #6
 

The I-Land 

 

Have you ever started watching something that's so bad, but you can't stop watching because you're afraid you'll miss it getting worse? That's how we felt with Netflix's recent release The I-Land.

 

So, how to describe The I-Land? Lost meets The Matrix, but with none of the good parts of any? Sounds about right. Ten strangers wake up on a desert island with wiped memories and no recollection of their previous life. Things unravel. Things go wrong. Its still rubbish.

 

In theory, it sounds like the sort of thing that would have tickled our fancy. A decent cast? Yep. Natalie Martinez, Kate Bosworth, and Alex Pettyfer are all pretty good usually. A slow revealing mystery? Yep. Great sound design (Atmos-enabled)? Yep. So, what went wrong? Everything it seems. We will always try and see the positive in any show we watch and give it the time of day, but nothing about The I-Land works. It's so bafflingly bad, you could be mistaken for thinking it is some sort of Spinal Tap-esq spoof. But it's really not.

  

So where do the comparisons to one of the most successful series and successful movies of all time come from? Lost? The obvious one is that it's set on a desert island, and the characters have no idea how or why they are there. There's also the idea that the island may be more than it seems, and it even tries to set up a crude Jack-Kate-Sawyer style love triangle, which doesn't work at all. The Matrix comparisons don't come in until a few episodes in, when it becomes apparent that the island is, well, The Matrix, and in real life, they are prisoners that are taking part in some kind of "nature or nurture" social experiment. Again, this falls flat on its arse.

 

The flimsy script really doesn't help things, and while the cast try their best (especially Natalie Martinez), they can't save it. Kate Bosworth, usually so reliable on camera, seems as though she is reading lines fed to her through an earpiece on a reality TV show.

 

So why would we write about a show that is so bad, we hear you cry? Simply because it has to be seen to be believed. It is only seven episodes long (thankfully) so it won't take up too much of your time. As the episodes go on, and the storyline intensifies, we were kind of hoping it might pull a rabbit out of the bag and give us a corker of an ending. Does it? No. There is a twist ending, that's for sure, but it's so absurd it's brilliant. Brilliantly bad.

 

In recent years Netflix has had a pretty good hit rate with their original content, from Mind Hunter to Stranger Things, to even Hemlock Grove (Sometimes), but this is a big misfire. All that means is that it'll probably get a second series. Great.

 
 

Verdict: Watch it to see how bad it is. If you can't stomach that, avoid like the plague.

 
 

 
 

The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance.

 

On a wet Sunday afternoon, we tucked into a large glass of vino and enough overpriced posh crisps to last us at least three months and tuned into The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance, which is now streaming on Netflix.

 

So what’s it about? Well, it involves some strange crow-like creatures, one of which has a terrible cold, it literally snots all over the place. They look after this big purple phallus-like crystal and appear to be the ones in charge. It seems to sap the life force out of anything near it.

 


Then we have the other mob, the ones that look like bald sheep with bad collagen lip injections. They seem to be the goodies and the underdogs and are known as the Gelflings. We watched one and a half episodes and turned off.

 

Verdict: BORING!